The woman I want to become has lived in my head for some time, and I’ve been waiting for permission to be her. But allowing myself to transform is not merely a process of acquiring permission, it is a process of change. Deep, personal change.

Walk with me along the bank of a stream running through the woods. Do you see her, up ahead? She’s standing ankle deep in the water, with a basket on the shore. The basket is full of fruit and herbs, all manner of things – mysteries and delights. She’s standing in a beam of sunlight, simply taking in the beauty around her. Her hands are stained with her gathering, and the hems of her skirt are damp.

As we approach, the noise of our travel alerts her, and she turns to us, smiling. She’s the one to ask your questions and confess your heartbreaks. Wisdom is her boon companion, and she’s ever ready to give direction and offer healing.

This is where you find her. Here, or in her workshops or gardens – her hands are busy about creation. Not a stranger to those in town, but the streams and woods are her home, and much the best place to seek her out.

The woman I want to become does not insert herself in gossip or politics or busywork. She has no time whatsoever for “shoulds” and endless hours to pursue truth. She prays without ceasing, laughs from her heart, loves from her belly, and works with joyful strength. She seeks silence and vigil, brews rich cordials, and attunes herself to the will of her Maker. She is loyal to her friends, in love with her husband, and she blesses her grandchildren with storytelling, teaching, and beauty. The natural world delights her senses, and she is always seeking to learn more, steward better, and increase the harvest for all.

You must seek this woman out, but having found her, you are generously rewarded, if sometimes confused. She does not care about the whims of this world, being completely invested in the next – and yet she seeks to bless everyone she encounters, bless every space she inhabits.

And so to say, what must change?

I must give up my desire to be easily found, easily understood, pre-digested and put in a box. I must give up chattering, mindless noise and a jaw-dropping variety of distractions. I must commit to seek – and speak – truth, no matter the consequence. I must go away from the crowds, pursue silence. I must be willing to embark on the madness of deep relationship with God and soil. I have to give up any claim to being “like folks” – and that cuts deep. As welcoming as I am, this is a path one walks alone. To be wise, one must be willing to be perceived as foolish. To do “foolish”, and look “weird”, and vaguely annoy … everyone.

Silence is unsettling at first, and being willing to be misunderstood and perhaps unliked is deeply uncomfortable. You spend your life learning to fit in, only to choose your heart instead. Old skills, left in a closet are rusty – some past use, and new ones must be made in their place. This is not a path of “both” or “half way”. To be the woman I long to become, I have to let go. I have to jump.

And I am jumping.